Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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