I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.