the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
