and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
