So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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