I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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