You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
third nipple confirmed
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My dick has a subreddit
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
