i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
