I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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