Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
