Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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