My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
