The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
