oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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