Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
