i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
