she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
