dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my shit smells like andre
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
jump out the window naked night went bad
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
