when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
