that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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