and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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