is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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