This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
