sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
