I just cut my nipple shaving
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
