i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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