Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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