All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
