I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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