hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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