i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
