she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
