your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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