so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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