Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She bit a glass in half.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
