Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
