Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
