I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
