what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
