Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
