so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
