i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
