I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
