I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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