Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
