You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
