I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
