I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
