FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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