So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
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My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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