If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
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the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
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It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life