Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
