I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
