I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
