my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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