clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
