Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
