dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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