you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
True college students do jello shots in the library
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
