I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
