My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
