So drunk its hurt
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
