Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
